Script Edits from the Director

The director (being me) has read through the script initial script and have sugdested somem slight alterations. Haveing discussed with the rest of the group we have agreed on these changes to be for the better. Most ajustments are only minnimal whereas there are a few larger things to be alterted, but notheing drastic.

I'll list them here.



Orignial:
Text: comming to you in the distant future

my thoughts:
>Sounds more like when the film is going to be released, not when the film is set.

Suggested revision:
Text: In the year 2000
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Orignial:
Text: You won't believe your eyes, when you see the frightfull terror arise from the pod
my thoughts:
>Too long. Difficult to say and doesn't roll off the tongue.
>I don't want to mention the fact that there is terror in the pod untill we have established that the spacemen are the monsters of the movie. Remember that we want the audience as well as the other characters to believe that the spacemen are the lucky ones that escaped from a major acident. Otherwise its a big spoiler.

Suggested revision:
Cut the text to read: You won't believe your eyes.
That way we are not giving anything major away.
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Orignial:
Text1: Who were these mysterious men possesed by the devil himself?
Text2: You would of never seen such pure, unimaginable evil.

my thoughts:
Text1: dosent make sense (gramaticaly)
Text2: would be better if you change "would of" for "will" and "seen" for "see"
Both text: The tone doesnt seem right. it seems too devil, fires from hell, possessed evil etc.

Suggested revision:
Just take it out, or replace it with sometihng less "hell on earth" to something more outer space.
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Orignial:
Text: What has been eating my good people

my thoughts:
I'm not sure... it just doesnt sound right.

Suggested revision:
>Maybe change "good people" to "citizans".
>"eating" hmmm. if the president saw some random citizan ripped to shreads with only bones left, would he really say "eating"?
>I'm not really sure that this sentense works at all. It may be better to get rid of it or change it for something completely differet.
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Orignial:
Text: They were a man eating, invisible force from beyond the stars

my thoughts:
"were a"???
Suggested revision:
Text: Just change it to "are the"
It sounds more definite and it is in the present tense
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Orignial:
Text: How can you fight what you cannont see

my thoughts:
>To many cans.
>It sounds like the narrator is speaking personally to the solders, rather that raising a question to the audience

Suggested revision:
Change to: How do you fight what you cannot see.
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Any mention of sketch book, to text book.
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Original:
Text: "Villainous buffoon"

my thoughts:
Buffoon sounds like the spacemen are stupid people, always making mistakes. Yet Villainous sound like they are hyper intelligent with cunning plans. I don't think the spacemen cannibals have either these traits.

Suggested revision:
Maybe change it to something like "spaceman" or something along the lines.
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Original:
Text: "Its the answer to all our problems" and the other couple of sentences that follow

my thoughts:
Sounds to definite and resolves the problem in the trailer before we've even seen the film.

Suggested revision:
"Look I may have found the answer"
But don't tell the audience what it is.
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End of list

So now its back to the script writers for a revised script.

A Flock of Pixels (The Director)